what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
