May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
