im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
