This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
