Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
