That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
