I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
