Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
