All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
it glows. i had to have it.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
