Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Randomize
