I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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