allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
