Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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