Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
