when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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