i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
