I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
