she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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