the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
