He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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