my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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