Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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