Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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