I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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