I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
