I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
