Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
