Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
