Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
