I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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