my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
