the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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