my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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