I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
