dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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