i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
