did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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