i don't like sucking hair
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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