I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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