I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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