Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
