you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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