I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
