i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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