I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
