Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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