This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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