your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
