just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
