i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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