he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
