He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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