Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Randomize
